Where the Heck is my Cart and what's the Deal with the Headboard: a Script

My husband, you just gotta love him. I am proud to say that he successfully completed his first official work week away from home.

We have had some fun conversations and some of the stories he has shared have amused me. Don't worry, I won't punish you with all of them, but knowing you are friends, I thought you might enjoy this one.

(Sunday: Early afternoon Act I – scene I - Wal-mart, Yuma, Az.)
Cell phone ringing ~ Keep on dancing, to the funky music, keep on dancing to th-

Teresa: "Hello?"

Art: "Hey baby. So, I'm almost done shopping, but I can't find the water, you should be so proud of me, I did so good finding everything else…"

Narrator: As he strolls up and down the aisles, he spots the water, "now where are the rock stars", he says to his wife. "Turn around they should be right across from the water." She replies.

After chitchatting about this and that, he gets to the front of the store, anxious and ready to get back to his room for some peace and quiet. He is after all, quite sick and needs to take the myriad of medications the pharmacist helped him find an hour earlier when he started shopping for the seven or 8 items he needed. (Maybe there were a few more items than that.)

Art: "Where would I find a map?"

Teresa: "They should be by the books in the front of the store; you should be able to see them from where you are."

Narrator: Walking up and down the front of store, he can't seem to locate the maps. He slowly begins to walk faster, breathe heavier and let out a big sigh of frustration. "These people are idiots", he says under his breath. "Why do they make things so hard to find", echoes repeatedly in his wife's ear as he continues to walk from one end of the store to the other.

Art: "Found them, finally. Now I'm outta here."

Narrator: As he heads back in the direction of his shopping cart, he begins to panic because it is nowhere in sight. His wife gently encourages him to look in the other direction. Again he walks to and fro all about the front of the store. "Where in the heck is my cart?" he shouts in his wife's ear with an exasperated tone. "Are you kidding me, do I have to do this all over again…I can't believe people…just leave my stuff alone…" His wife begins to laugh…thinking this is one of the rare times she can. She is no stranger to being made fun of so she is not keeping it a secret that she is relishing this moment.

Suddenly his wife hears laughter on the other end of the line--a girl's giggle. An employee notices this panic stricken man and comes to his aid. She sheepishly admits she brought his cart forward so it wasn't blocking the aisle. His wife listens in amusement as they carry on as if she is no longer on the phone.

Art: "Let me call you back in a few."

Teresa: "No problem, talk to later."

(ACT I – scene II – Wal-mart parking lot)

Narrator: Don't be fooled by the name Arthur Ortiz, it only sounds Mexican, and just because he is brown and very close to the border of Mexico, does not mean he knows a drop of Spanish--and this brown boy is about as honky as anyone can get--please, no offense intended. Only a necessary part of this scene as you will understand as it plays out. In the best El- Spanyol he can muster, he shares the scene…

Employee: "seen-yor, seen-yor!!! Espedatay."

Narrator: Mr. Ortiz is oblivious, excited as all get out because he can get back to the hotel and rest…and then she reaches him. She pulls him by the arm, stopping him in his tracks. She is one brave Mexican girl, but then again they do say dynamite comes in small packages…

Employee: "seen-yor, el-receito, porfavor…agua es no sta-kee."

Art: "What?"

Employee: "Agua no sta-kee."

Narrator: He goes on to tell the kind, yet stern young woman that he does not understand Spanish. She rolls her eyes in disgust as if to say, "What kind of Mexican are you." To which he thinks, "Exactly, I'm from Oregon and I drive a rig." After checking the receipt to every item in the cart, it is pointed out to him that he neglected to pay for the water. She leads him back to the store. He explains that he did not intend to steal the water, but that the cashier forgot to charge him for it. After some laughter among them, he leaves the store and is off to his hotel.

(Act II – scene I – The hotel)

Narrator: With the rig unloaded, and groceries in hand, he walks to his room with a sigh of relief-which only lasts a few seconds because with one stroke of the key card he realizes he has been locked out of his room. A few loud sighs and a few bad words later, he puts the groceries back into the rig. Meanwhile his wife is beginning to feel a tad sorry for the dude, as she lovingly listens on the phone.

The office assistant giggles a bit while apologizing for the mistake and he is back in the room. He tells his beautiful wife he will call her after he naps. By now, his head is pounding he is hungry and tired.

(Act II – scene II – The headboard)

Cell phone chimes, notifying wife of a received text message

Cell Phone: "News flash. Headboard falls off wall in room, call soon."

Teresa: "Is everything okay? What's the deal with the headboard?"

Art: "Man, I can't get any rest. I was reaching over to see why the light wouldn't work--I moved the bed and the headboard came crashing down. So I went out, got my tools and fixed it myself. Now I am going to try to sleep. I'll call you later."

(Sunday: Late Evening Act III – scene I – Hotel parking lot)

Narrator: As Art nestles in bed, he drifts off to sleep. Finally, a peaceful moment after a hectic day. He won't wake until the alarm goes off at 3:30 am for work the next morning…..Or so he thought.

Telephone rings in Art's hotel room several times.

Art: "Hello."

Hotel operator: "Mr. Ortiz, I'm sorry to bother you, but can you please step outside of your room. The officers would like to speak with you a moment. It's likely that the tires on your vehicle have been slashed."

Art: "You have got to be kidding me. I'll be right out."

Narrator: "As he opens the door, the bright lights of the five police cars overwhelm his still sleepy eyes. "Excuse me Sir, is this your vehicle?" The officer says to him. Art is relieved to find that it was not his rig, but on the other hand was feeling quite bad for the owner of said vehicle.

It's now 11:30 pm and Art desperately tries to get back to sleep. As he lies in bed, he can't help but hear this strange music coming from the room across from him. "Those darn Mexicans", he thinks. "They don't need much of a reason to party." Apparently, all the excitement around the hotel gave cause to stay awake and turn on some music.

Mari-ochi music--or reeba, reeba music as the Mexican-slash-honky want-to-be, named Art would say.

And so ends one day in the life of this lad in a land far away from home and the story of, "Where the heck is my cart and what's the deal with the headboard.'"


THE END.

(C) Teresa Ortiz All rights reserved